As some of you are aware, Furry comes from a family of four furry boys; Uncle furry is the eldest, with a 5, 7 & 9 year gap. My parents were busy running their motorcycle shop & Nanna & Poppa K looked after the boys on the weekends, starting Friday night.
Poppa K was a piss head (alcoholic), and Nanna K was a drama queen. I mean, she was always flying into a panic about things, while Poppa was normally fairly calm, (that comes from being permanently hammered I guess).
Furry was 11, furry #2 was 6, Furry # 3 was 4 & smallest furry (#4) was 2 1/2. This particular day we decided to build our own parachute. Now, furry had become a lot smarter that the earlier days (refer to the tree climbing story) and wasn't going to take any unnecessary risks.
We decided that if we "stepped" up the weight as we went along, then we'd find the point where the newly designed "bed sheet" parachute went from a gentle landing to a "rough" landing
Well, furry #4 was made to stand still, a belt was then tightened around his waist, and then from the belt, ropes were tied and carefully measured & cut to length. Then one by one, they were tied to the knotted end of the bed sheet. The belt was then removed & we all climbed up on to the roof of the carport, (which used to house a very large truck)
Gathering at the edge, Furry #4 was re-belted. Great care was taken to make sure the ropes were aligned; the furry #4 was coaxed to jump off the carport. Now the other furries (1, 2 & 3) weren't stupid you know.
We knew that the parachute wasn't to be dragged off the carport, that it need to be thrown up into the air if it was going to work at the exact time furry #4 jumped or was coaxed into jumping.
Anyhow, furry #4 was a little hesitant about jumping, and this made the timing of throwing the chute into the air almost impossible. Well it was decided on the count of 3 that furry # 4 would be assisted in "jumping" off the roof.
On the count of 3, furry #4 was sent plummeting to the ground, and the chute skywards. Next thing the chute catches on the roof and furry 4 is suspended above the ground.
Well, it turns out that furry #4 was a little too heavy to hoik back onto the roof.
So we decided that we'd go and rescue him from the ground. I mean there were three really good reasons for rescuing him.
1). He was screaming his tits off
2). We'd be killed for leaving him hanging there
3). We had further "experiments" we'd needed to cover off on this particular Saturday, and he’s input (well body at least) was required.
So we got the ladder from Pop's shed, I climbed up, and wouldn't you know it, all I could do from here was grab his feet. So as any self-respecting brother would do, I hung off his feet to see if I could get it to "give" a little more.
Well it didn't & in fact all this succeeded in doing was to make him scream loader, bloody sook! So we had to confess. Well Furry #2 was sent in to see what condition Poppa was in & thankfully he was 1/2 cut so this meant 2 things. Firstly he'd say to Nanna, "Aw leave 'em alone, that's what boys do" & secondly he'd feel brave & confident enough to rescue Furry # 4 himself.
Well as sure as shit sticks to shag pile carpet, (sweet Aussie saying). Poppa went up the ladder, furry # 4 was now feeling the ill effects of our experiments into space travel & the effects of zero gravity on a 2 1/2 year old, and was now in full song and very animated, (kicking like a bitch possessed).
In the protest, furry # 4 lands a perfectly timed kick to the chops on Poppa, who reals backwards, falls heavily & lands perfectly on the concrete path.
Well, we have Poppa bleeding from the mouth, missing 2 teeth, (his only remaining two teeth that he actually grew), and complaining that movement was both near impossible, and extremely painful, (did I mention that he wasn't talking to quietly either)?
All the while we still had furry # 4 protesting about his imminent planned re-entry & about how long he was still required to orbit earth.
It's about here that Nanna over reacts & also starts to carry on, I mean everyone who's seen Apollo 13 knows how you're supposed to react. It would have been much more acceptable to say, "
I mean, yes he was hanging like a pinyarda (is that how its spelt?), but we weren't hitting him with stick, yet anyway, to see if he was filled with lollies that would fall out of his butt. That was next week’s experiment for Christ sake.
So it falls upon me to ring for help. So I pick up the phone, dial 000 (Aussie equivalent of 911) and they ask me if I want Police, Fire or Ambulance.
I reply, “I don't know, who gets little brothers who are stuck on a roof and crumpled Poppas off the ground”?
They answer, “I think we'll give you over to the Ambos”.
This came about because when he suggested the fire brigade come out, I asked “didn't something need to be on fire for the firemen to come out?”
I mean if that's what it takes to get a fire engine out the front of your house its a small price to pay & a sacrifice I was willing to make, as was furry #2 & #3. It was simply a matter of finding something we didn’t like & set fire to it.
So it's a lovely discussion I had with a very nice man, he also suggested that the send the fire brigade over "just to have a look", and maybe a policeman or 2. Well it was no later than 2 minutes and the first of three fire engines turn up, followed by 2 ambulances & 2 police cars.
Poppa is diagnosed with a broken collarbone, hip & leg, & that was really cool. I still held the record for the most number of broken bones in one hit (refer to superman story), but for big bones, that had to be a new record!
Furry # 4 was eventually released from his "holding pattern" over the Earth’s surface & yes, there were a couple of bruises & a few grazes. But hey, Furrys #1, 2 & 3 didn't feel anything.
Poppa was loaded into the back of one of the ambulances, Furry # 4 was given a "clean bill of health", although, all of the firemen, ambulance & policemen were a little doubtful about the furry #4's ability to actually tie his own knots.
Eventually, the respective fire engines, police cars & ambulances disappeared.
Furry's parents were called about the incident, and this is where Furry's 1, 2 & 3 discovered that gravity actually does hurt, when Furry's father appeared at Nanna’s & Poppas we weren't able to sit for a while let me tell you.
Well, that's about it, over time all wounds healed. On the up side, no animals were hurt in this story, (zombie chicken was in a later incident) but that's a story form a previous post.
See Ya
Uncle Furry
No comments:
Post a Comment