Furry, cousins, brothers, billycart & a steep hill.

Hi all, Uncle Furry here, feels like ages since I posted one of these. Thought that since I was at home, relaxing, that I'd sit down & do a post. Now, just in case it actually has been ages, here goes .......

"Those who what to have a "cough & a drag" off you go, those who want a coffee or tea, (or that other shit called Chai that PG drinks), there's the kitchen, milk, water, kettle ..... Those after something more, white's (wine) in the fridge, red's in the pantry, bourbon in the freezer, near the ice, pour me one while you're out there ....... everyone pull up a piece of floor & off we go .........

Today's story is, eldest cousin, steep hill, young furry & a billy cart

You see, we, (Furry mum, dad, and kid brother) when I was in grade 3, (I was around 9 yo), lived in a flat in a shithole of a suburb called Dandenong West. It was on Jones Rd, where this monster of a steep hill is located.

It was as bad walking down the hill as it was climbing up from school. No matter which way you went, at the end of it, you're legs screamed.

Well, my eldest cousin, (and Lainie) came over with Aunty Jean & Uncle Des for a visit. Jeanie was so way cool. She was 8 or 9 years older than me & she did stuff like, talked to boys, (her boyfriend then, became her hubby, was a Commandant with Big Bangs R Us), she drove cars, (learners permit), listened to cool music and was just way cool.

My brother, Lainie & I, got bored shitless really quickly with the visit, so we decided to take the billy cart out for a run. The billy cart needs some describing. Now, Poppa L worked at THE AGE newspaper, back in the days where "foreigners" weren't seen in a poor light. (Foreigners are jobs performed at work, while still being clocked on, (like making stuff out of their steel), for a project at home).

Well this was the case for the billy cart. Some furry bloke, (in 1970), made this billy cart frame out of tubular steel. The wheels were these huge bearings, which had a rubber casing on the outside. (These bearings were what the huge rolls of paper sat on as the paper was being feed down a printing line). The billy cart was near indestructible; it was built like a tank. I shit you not; this billy cart weighed about 80 tons.

Anyway, we were preparing ourselves for the first run down the hill (Lainie & I) when my cousin Jeanie came out. She asked what we are doing and we told her of our plans, she decided she wanted to take Lainie's place as passenger & give it a go ......... I was wrapped because the "cool" cousin wanted ME to do something with HER

Well to paint a picture of Jones Rd, at the very top, just where the hill starts, is a street. At the very bottom, where the hill ends, there is a crossroad. So for the full run of the hill, there is no interruptions, to speak of. Well Jeanie decides she is going to stand in the back of the billy cart, (not sit as suggested) and start the party by pushing the billy cart off "scooter style".

Jeanie is pushing as hard as she can, and the billy cart is hardly moving, "Is that it?" asks my cousin. "Naw, it'll get faster,” replied young Furry. "It'll need to" comes the disgusted reply. Slowly the billy cart starts to build up pace, "That's better" she replies, until, ........... About 1/2 way down the hill a little old lady, complete with purple hair & a walking frame, hobbles out of her driveway.

Now, at 9, I had manners, so little Furry is heard to say "Excuse me please" as we are fast approaching, "FUCKEN MOVE!" is screamed over my head by my cousin, who was obviously lacking in any social manners or graces & who is now hunkered over the top of me, holding on to my shoulders for grim death.

The little old lady responds by a) turning grey as she sees the out of control kids, and b) throws the walking frame onto the nature strip & dives backwards into the drive way. Thinking back on it today, she would have looked at home in a black leather coat in a MATRIX movie.

As we streak past, young Furry is heard to say "Thank you".

At about the 3/4 mark, my cousin screams, "SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN, USE THE BRAKES". Furry looks up, basically right up her flaring nostrils & calmly mentions, "We don't have brakes"

My cousin looks at me, like WTF!!! and screams "HOW DO WE STOP, HOW DO WE STOP?".

I was sort of getting over the volume she was broadcasting at by this stage & calmly replied, "We don't, I'll just go around the corner, but there's a fair chance you'll fall out 'cause you're standing up"

AGAIN she looks at me like WTF!!! and replies "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING ....... WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" and then announces "FUCK THIS I'M OUTTA HERE!"

She is poised for a second & bails (jumps) out of the cart. She later told me her intention was to grab a signpost, spin around it a couple of times, (like a pole dancer), and after a couple of rotations gently put her feet on the ground.

Well any furry knows that wouldn't work, brother Kev tried that on the first day & it damn near killed him.

Jeanie jumps, grabs the pole just enough to skew sideways & then get slammed into a tree, pretty much as did Kev when he tried it.

She completes rolling on the nature strip, (not the one with the tree, but the next one down) and sits up in time to see furry pull onto the last nature strip, put the billy cart into a huge slide, back on the footpath, sufficient grip restored and cornering on the two out side wheels.

Now I've just had a thought, what happened if someone was walking around the corner at the same time? Never thought of that back then, go figure ...... ‘Spose I would have just said "Excuse me please".

The ride finally comes to a stop; I turn it around & start pulling it back up the hill. Eventually I get to where my crumpled cousin is still sitting & there was a "fair" degree of blood I must admit.

Now, not only didn’t she help pull the cart back up the hill, (unwritten law people, you ride, you help, OK - remember that one, it's important), but she wanted me to pull the billy cart, & her, up to the top of the hill because she was hurt!

Yeah, as fucken if! That was never gonna happen!

Well she hobbled on her own, I dragged the billy cart up & my brother, the family dog & Lainie came running down the hill, full tilt (flat out).

The little old lady, now seeing a couple of out of control kids & a dog bearing down on her, throws her recently collected frame back on to the nature strip & bails back into the drive way, AGAIN.

Seriously some people never learn. Wouldn’t it have been easier for the old lady just to go back into her house and have a cup of tea? Sooner or later one of the kids would have to go to hospital & then the billy cart would have been banned for the remainder of the day. Then she'd have free run of the footpath!

Well, Cousin Jeanie thinks the kids coming at full bore and all this is for her & feels so much better that the others at least are concerned for her.

Not so, kids land on & around the billy cart, and proceed to help me push & pull the cart up the hill, I mean times money and there were plenty of more "trips" to be had. Jeanie eventually makes it back to the flat, stumbles in the door & soon afterwards is taken to Dandenong & District Hospital.

The diagnosis is

Broken Nose
Missing tooth
Fractured Cheek Bone
Broken Forearm
Broken Pinkie Finger

What did Uncle Des & Aunty Jean say? "If you sat down as Furry told you too, you'd be fine too. You're fault for not doing as the driver said".

Silly bitch still got the billycart banned for the remainder of the day, but!

Unfortunately, the billycart died one day soon after. Kev decided to run an experiment. He wanted to see if the cart was quicker actually on Jones Rd that on the footpath.

You see the old lady was becoming a bit of an obstacle & a real pain in our tits. I mean there is a limit to the number of times someone should announce "Excuse me please".

So the billycart was released at the top of the hill by young Kev, driverless of course, he wasn't stupid you know!

As such, it wasn't able to avoid the Grenda's bus that was coming up the hill.
I know I said it was built like a tank, maybe it should have been "built like a bus!"

Anyway, have a great weekend, I'm off to Chez Fur